I love being a mom, I really do. But sometimes I just get so overwhelmed and frustrated! I am now the “proud” mom of TWO teenagers, and I am convinced they are going to be either the death of me or the insanity of me.
Last night I had the first true scare of my life with my son. Don’t get me wrong, he’s scared me before with his falls and jumps and trips to the emergency room, but last night was so much different. I really thought I had lost him. I don’t mean I misplaced him, or I “lost” him to the world or as my baby boy…I mean I thought he was gone…dead in the woods or at the bottom of the river.
Let me set this up…my son is a great kid for real. He has a big heart, he is not a trouble maker, he makes friends so easily, but he struggles in school so much. He’s not dumb, but he has “focusing issues.” His grades suffer to say the least. For the second time this year I get an email from a teacher that he is not doing well and on the verge of failing…again. I just went berserk. We just HAD this conversation with him! He promised he was getting back on track. He promised he was doing his homework. He promised, he promised, he promised…he LIED! I was so angry! I wanted him to know how angry, hurt, disappointed, sad, let down I was. I wanted him to know that I basically give up on him. I wanted HIM to be hurt…I succeeded sadly.
I hopped in the shower to calm down. I told him not to go anywhere because when I get out we are talking about this more. He is to come up with some solutions and I want some answers as to what exactly he is doing in class when he is supposed to be doing work but obviously isn’t. I get out of the shower and have my daughter call my son upstairs…he’s not there. “What do you mean he’s not down stairs? Where is he?” “I don’t know. I heard the door open and thought he was letting the dogs out but when I came upstairs he was gone.”…my heart sank.
Now, my first initial reaction was “how could he just deliberately walk out of this house when I specifically told him not to?!” But I just sat down and waited. Afterall, I know he likes to run to blow off some steam…this was about 3pm.
My husband got home around 4:30 and my son is still not home. I sent him out to drive the neighborhood to bring him home. I told him we got into an argument over his grades and he just left. My husband comes home about 20 minutes later empty handed and with no sight of him anywhere. My heart just starts racing at this point. This isn’t really like him, but I knew this was my fault. He has no sense of time and didn’t have his cell phone, but I know he comes home when the sun goes down so I waited.
It’s getting dark and no sign of him. I can’t just sit here and wait anymore. I hop in the car and just start driving. I hit all of his hot spots, drove the town, checked his friends house on the other side of town, and ended up just sitting at the park close to the woods where I know he likes to hang out…then a fire truck and an ambulance drive by. I was sick. So sick to my stomach, by heart was racing and felt like it was about to jump out of my chest, and I start sobbing. I just don’t know what to do. It is fully dark and he is not home. So I start driving. I pass another ambulance.
I call my mom in pretty much full hysteria at this point. My son I missing. I talk to my dad. My son is missing. I go to the police department. My son has been missing for about 3 1/2 hours, it’s dark, it’s cold, he’s only wearing a sweatshirt, I just want to make sure there have been no reports of any accidents. They immediately come to my aid and “a missing juvenile” protocol is put into motion. I’m sick to my stomach, and it’s all my fault.
After 5 hours missing my husband gives one last ditch effort to search the woods down the street. His picture and a reverse call to the community is about to go “live”…and then in they both walk through the door.
I can’t express enough the relief I felt seeing him unharmed. There was no more anger, no disappointment, no feeling of giving up. Only love.
I have done a lot of thinking and self-evaluation in the last 23 hours. I only want the best for my kids. I want to see them do more than just survive, I want to see them thrive and succeed. I want to help them do just that. But the last words I saw from my son were these: “Medicine or not, stress and insults won’t help ME!”
I don’t REALLY want to hurt my kids and make my kids feel worthless, and yet I did exactly that and did it well apparently. I didn’t help at all. And now I know better.
Being a mom is hard, but being a GOOD MOM is the absolute hardest thing EVER!